Getting out from Failure’s Silhouette: I will and I can!
O blue
blue sky! You’re now covered with darkness.
Any time by now, you
will shed tears—
Hold it in and never
pour the rain.
‘Cause you become weak
in the eyes of many.
Hold on, dearest blue
sky!
But if it’s too heavy
to carry,
Let it go but do not
be weary.
‘Cause one day,
“Everything will be okay!”
“I did my best. I even gave the
best shots that was left. But that best was not enough!”
These very words were the first ones to come out the night that
I knew I did not make it. Yes, I failed my ever first major subject. I failed
and I was deeply hurt. I even ran to my mother and cried to her for the very
first time. Thus in this disposition, I really don’t know how to narrate the
happenings for this semester. But with all my strength, I will try my best to tell
you everything.
For this second semester, I was trying very hard: I doubled
my effort; I had countless sleepless nights; and I had researched additional
information for each subjects— but still I did not make it. I could not really
tell what the problem was. Was it me, the teachers or the subject itself? As I
was assessing myself for the nth time, for no reason, I could really tell it was
me.
This semester, we had our first major subject—CHE 131:
Introduction for
Chemical Engineering. On the very first exam, I
failed. I studied yet I failed. Maybe I was so nervous at that time that I even
forgot the things that I had studied. On the second exam, my scores got
improved but it was a little lower than the passing score. So, I got failed
again. With that, I changed my study habit. I studied in advance and even
answered all the problems in the book. The result was so good because at last I
passed. I felt relieved at that moment. So, I did the same thing. I studied in
advance and answered all the problems in preparation for our fourth and last
exam. After the last exam, we did not meet with our professor. We just waited
for her announcement if we pass or not and the day came—we received her text.
The content of the text was the names of the students who passed and who would
not take the removal anymore. It was nerve-wracking. Really. Because I felt the
jittery feeling in my whole system. As I read it, I was so appalled that my
name was not included. Broken yet hopeful, I studied again despite the very
tight schedule I had since it was our final exam week. During the removal exam,
my heart was beating so fast that I could barely breathe but thanks God I
survived. As I went out of the room, I was not able to feel that heart-pounding
feeling. Because if I did, I could really tell that I failed the exam. So at
that time, I was confident enough that I would pass the removal. But all high
hopes went down. It was on May 29 that I received the most heartbreaking news—I
failed the removal exam and got a grade of 5.00. I was in a great dilemma. How
would I tell this to my parents? To kuya and ate? And especially to PhilDev? It
was so hard for me that I could not think properly. It was so hard even more that
all I did was to cry all night long.
I grieved and felt so sorry towards my family, to kuya and
ate, to my high school teachers and friends, to PhilDev and to myself:
I was so sorry to
mama and papa that their once-achiever daughter got a failing grade and mama
would possibly stop her monthly check-up for her goiter in Davao. I was sorry
to Kuya Diyok, Kuya Sadam, Ate Sarah and Jenjen who saw me as the victor in the
family. I was even sorry to Ate Jingle that she might not be able to retire
from her work and take some rest because she will be supporting me again
financially. I felt sorry to Kuya Jr because I wasn’t able to make it and I
would be a burden again. I felt sorry to my friends and high school teachers
because I wasn’t able to exceed their expectations. I felt sorry to PhilDev
family because I let the opportunity slipped off from my hands and even let
them down. Lastly, I am very sorry for myself that she needs to feel all these
affliction and failures; that she needs to embrace all the embarrassment and
overworks herself again; that she needs to prove herself once more and shows to
everyone that she will be a great Chemical Engineer someday.
I know this is way too difficult for me to accept this
because I have neither failed an exam nor got a failing grade way back in high
school. But somehow this situation I am in helps me realize that I cannot get
all the things that I wanted and life is not all about pleasures and victories.
It is all about feeling the sting of failure before taking the remedy of
success.
This might be the last narrative report that I am going to
make, so I will grab this opportunity to thank PhilDev for giving me a big
break to experience how it feels to be part of their family. Thank you for
investing your trust in me despite all my flaws and failures. Also, I am so
sorry for letting you down over and over again.
On the other hand, thank you so much Ma’am Bernie, Ma’am
Zen, Ma’am Rubelyn, Sir John, Sir Dado and other staffs of PhilDev. Words are
not enough to express how thankful I am.
People keep on cheering me up and telling me that
everything will be fine. Kuya, on one hand, tells me that “Failure doesn’t define who you
are. It doesn’t shape your future. You do. You, yourself, should know that
you’re not here to please everyone else. This is your life. You are the one
responsible in shaping the future you wanted to have in the next coming years.”
Up to this moment, I still don’t know where this thing will
lead me. But who says I will give up? It might take me years to get over with
this issue but I will not let this hindrance impede me from making all my
dreams come true not just for my own interest but also for God and for my
family. Even though I fall, I WILL RISE AGAIN! (Micah 7:8)
I have written this on my narrative report before and I
will write this once more: I may not be able to mend what was broken or even
change what had happened but in my utmost capability, I will pick up all the
broken pieces and try my very best to get out of this dismal zone and become
successful at the end of the day.
I will get out from
this failure’s silhouette— I will and I can!
Enough said
with no further adieu.
It is today—the day that we’ve been
waiting
For you to
come back wholly and anew—
Bring with you the serenity and
beauty of hoping.
“Everything
that happens today would definitely make sense someday.”
